A message from Cloudberry Clinical Psychologist Brooke Jericho
1 in 3 women in Australia will suffer a pregnancy loss in their lifetime – that’s 283 women and their partners that lose a much wanted baby each day, often creating a broken heart that never truly heals.
Working with these families, I have heard countless examples of well-intentioned partners, family, friends and colleagues using “at least” by way of offering words of support. Unfortunately, this well-meaning but painful response often leaves the grieving parent feeling invalidated, isolated and minimises their capacity to grieve, the very opposite of the intended message.
These “at least” comments may sound like:
“At least you know you can fall pregnant”
“At least you already have other children”
“At least you weren’t showing”
“At least you’re fit and healthy”
This year, to mark International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, Pink Elephants Support Network is running an #AtLeast campaign, encouraging women and families to share their experiences with hearing “at least” and encouraging society to learn better ways to support grieving families. If you have had a personal experience with hearing “At Least” please visit @pinkelephantssupport to learn more about their campaign and help spread this important message by sharing or liking this post.
For those of you who have experienced pregnancy and baby loss; we are so sorry for your loss, you are not alone in this.
During this challenging time, while you feel unable to speak openly and authentically about your experience I often encourage my clients to consider having a practised and almost automatic “one-liner” when someone inadvertently stumbles into your space of grief. An example may be:
“The pregnancy hasn’t continued as we had hoped for, and I’m just not able to talk about this further at this time”. And if this person is someone who has been a strong support for you in the past consider adding “while I can’t talk about it now, I may be able to speak about it in (whatever time frame feels right for you), please ask me about it then”.
These one-liners may provide you a comforting safety net for those inevitable “first” conversations that can often feel awkward and leave you tongue-tied and feeling raw, frazzled and oversharing details before you’re ready.
For those of you supporting someone who has experienced pregnancy and infant loss a few suggestions;
“I’m so sorry for your loss”
“I’m here if you’d like to talk”
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here to listen”
There is little that can be said to speed up or dampen this grief, so being a mindful and reliable literal or virtual shoulder-to-cry-on is everything. Allowing the grieving parent their own space to honour their loss without agenda, without bringing in other stories of loss, and without the #AtLeast.
There are some beautiful events happening this month to mark Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month including:
The Pink Elephants #AtLeast campaign
Red Nose and SANDS are holding walks across Australia – visit www.sands.org.au/Event/walk-to-remember-across-australia
Heartkids, supporting families impacted by congenital heart defects are holding the “2 feet and a heartbeat” walk on the 16th October https://www.twofeetheartbeat.org.au
Other fantastic supports in this space include:
SANDS peer-led support line 1300 072 637
The Glimmer Project Podcast
The Pink elephants Support Network – www.pinkelephants.org.au
Or if you feel you’d like to access more individual support please contact us at Cloudberry Clinic on 1300 553 722 or at admin@cloudberryclinic.com.au.
